THE 9 STAGES OF PREGNANCY

Most of the classics texts on pregnancy and childbirth focus on the
three trimesters of pregnancy, but my research has led me to believe
that there are in fact nine stages, not necessarily aligned to the nine
months pregnancy.  How many do you recognise?

Stage 0: Not showing yet. Nobody believes you're pregnant, least of all
you. 

Stage 1: Can't suck your stomach flat (if you ever could). You no longer
fit into your regular clothes, but look ridiculous in maternity clothes. 

Stage 2: You notice, while walking up the stairs at your office, that
your thighs bump against your tummy when you lift your legs too high.
You wonder how you'll be able to walk up the stairs at all in another
month. 

Stage 3: Officially wearing maternity clothes, and glad of it! People
start to ask you when you're due (instead of just looking at you
sidelong with that inquisitive glance that means "hmm, is she expecting
a baby or just eating too many ice cream sundaes?") 

Stage 4: Belly button pops out (those who were outies to start with get
to enter this stage early). 

Stage 5: Belly gets bigger than your breasts (takes longer than you
would think, since your breasts are trying to keep pace with your
belly).

Stage 6: Can't see your toes any more. No longer capable of shaving your
legs. Tying shoelaces becomes difficult. 

Stage 7: I call this the "Big as a House" stage. People ask you
constantly, "Haven't you had that baby yet?" and you think you might
explode if you grow any more. You spend a lot of time lying  around
feeling like a beached whale. 

Stage 8: The baby is born, and you think "Great, now I'll be thin
again!" Then you look down at your belly, which looks like an empty
sack, and doesn't roll over when you do -- and you realize you still
have a long way to go. 

Stage 9: Sick of wearing your maternity clothes, and finally realizing
that you're not going to be wearing your regular clothes for a long
time, you break down, and go out and buy a whole wardrobe two sizes
bigger than you started out.